Entry tags:

bondage, consent, hypnosis, sensation play, shame, transformation

On Control Fantasies
Kind of a delayed reaction, but for whatever reason I'd been sort of putting off for awhile now writing entries that I knew would involve actual thought to write. ;-P

Three or four weeks ago two different friends pointed me to that week's installment of "Savage Love" by Dan Savage, where he addresses a question about a hypno fetish. The three letters and answers that follow it are a little more silly, but the first one I found relevant enough to this blog to post about here, with my own additional thoughts:

I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the internet, I found a site with stories about "mind control," usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy.

Apart from the fact that this suggests I may have some serious sexual-control issues, I was wondering if you had any ideas for weaning yourself from a fantasy. This is not something I'm interested in "accepting." My attempts at incorporating alternate fantasies into my repertoire have failed.

--Stop Thinking About That


Sexual-control issues? Sure, STAT, you've got some of those. But serious sexual-control issues? Hardly.

A desire to sexually control others, or be sexually controlled by others, is at the root of almost all sexual fantasies and fetishes, from foot fetishes to goop fetishes to BDSM. So there's no need to feel like a freak, okay? And you're clearly not a bad person, as you recognized on your own that your particular sexual-control fantasy is immoral (sex without consent is rape) and impossible (hypnosis doesn't work that way). So cut yourself some slack.

Reading your letter, some folks will blame the internet for your predicament. There you were, minding your own business, beating off in front of your computer, when a hypno-fetish site seized your screen and took over your sex life. That's not how it works. Running across that hypno porn didn't instill in you a desire to sexually control others, STAT; it tapped into a desire for sexual control that was already there. A desire to sexually control others was already part of your erotic imagination; that hypno site just lit your fuse.

The only way to wean yourself from your hypno fetish now, STAT, is to accept your bedrock fantasy, which is sexual control, and explore other ways of indulging it. I suspect the "alternate fantasies" you attempted to incorporate into your sex life didn't include aspects of sexual control, which would explain why your efforts failed. You won't move your fantasies away from hypno until you find something that satisfies those bedrock desires for sexual control. So find yourself a guy who wants to be controlled, which isn't that hard to do, and explore dom/sub role-play or bondage or S&M with him, and your hypno fetish may fade away.

Finally, STAT, there are lots of guys out there who fantasize about being hypnotized and seduced—it's too bad you've ruled them out as sex partners.

I was glad to have pointed to this for several reasons, particularly that I can relate to an extent with the person's uncomfortableness with their fetish, and appreciated Savage's informed, thoughtful response of "it's not as uncommon as you think, don't worry too much about it." I also thought it was fascinating (from an intellectual standpoint) hearing an example of a gay man's erotic fantasy, since I hetero fantasies seem much more common to read about.

It also got me thinking about the possible connection to his particular "rape fantasy" and the societal pressure that exists out there towards homosexuals. For example, some time ago I was reading up a little on the existence of female rape fantasies, and potential theories as to the "why." One idea that seemed quite plausible to me, is that it's down to societal pressure women encounter growing up, the stereotype of their being essentially two "types" of woman: the whore and the virgin. You're either sweet and innocent, or a promiscuous slut (whereas guys are never looked down upon -- and in fact are able to brag with other guys -- about how much sex they've had...unless they're doing it after they're married). What a rape fantasy allows, is for the woman to experience sexual pleasure in their fantasy, while being able to avoid seeming sex-crazed by making the sex not under their control. Does that make sense?

And of course, few women who harbor rape fantasies actually want to be raped in reality. The fantasy may be of unconsensual sex, but because it's all taking place in the woman's head, she is ultimately still the one in control. To paraphrase an thought I once read elsewhere: if she chose to follow up the rape by transforming into a large creature and devouring the rapist, that'd be completely within her capability, because it's *her fantasy.*

So I wonder if this person's particular variation on a rape fantasy similarly has to do with societal pressure (in this case, the constant barrage of indications growing up that being gay is "wrong"). A fantasy wherein a "straight" man is made to have gay sex via mind-control would allow someone to have sex with another man, without having to deal with any of the societal guilt of doing it of your own volition...because it was out of your control.

I don't know for sure if that might be the case with this particular individual (or even whether he'd be consciously aware that was the case), but I couldn't help but see some possible parallels there.

It also gets me thinking about some of my other fetishes, and how a connection could be made between them and discomfort with myself. My interest in transformation likely has a lot to do with body issues. And then there's my interest in being bound or otherwise firmly controlled during sexual acts, which might be partially related to whore/virgin dichotomy theory thing, but I can also see a strong connection just to my basic thoughts on sexuality in general growing up. In particular: that I grew up very Conservative Christian.

And it's not like Conservative-brand Christianity was strongly forced upon me or anything. I somehow ended up with more Conservative ideals than even my parents, at one point in junior high deciding that Halloween was an evil holiday and that I was not going to support it (and at one point even contemplated giving out little mini-Bible things instead of candy, though fortunately I never went through with that). I kid you not.

This conservativeness extended into thoughts on sex. My parents never told us (my siblings and I) that sex was bad or wrong, only that it was better to wait until marriage. Yet somehow I'd gotten it in my head that anything sexual was shameful or sinful before marriage...including *masturbation.* I don't think my parents ever discussed masturbation with us, so I have no idea how I came to this conclusion. But I definitely had this notion in my head that masturbation was, at the very least, dirty and shameful.

So maybe that's why I came to develop a fetish for being controlled? If I'm all bound up or mind-controlled and can't do anything about the sensations I'm receiving, then I never really had an active role in the pleasure...it wasn't of my doing. The only odd thing about control fantasies and fetishes, is this is the case (and if that was the case for the individual who wrote into Dan Savage), it's so odd how these things stick around even after a person has come to terms with their sexuality. For whatever reason, my control and bondage fantasies still hang around, and are the main thing that get me turned on. (Or have I just not come to *enough* acceptance yet...?)

I also wonder about *why* would the brain even carry such a function? What purpose does the development of fetishes serve? Not to mention, why do only some people develop fetishes who may've had a particular experience, and another with the same might not? (And also curious what sort of circumstances might lead to the development of fetishes for those whole like to be the control-er rather than control-ee.) The brain is a fascinating and confusing machine.

So have any of you ever noticed potential connections between fetishes or sexual interests with things encountered growing up? (I'd add "or am I just over-thinking things?", but I already know I have a tendency to do that. ;-P)