Hello, I am known as K-8 (aka "conscious_object"). Here I keep a fetish blog with a (skewed) sense of humor. Contained herein you will find my various random thoughts on my unique fetishes, and interesting finds culled from all over the intarweb, including art by my friends, and sometimes my own art.

Note: You do not need to have a Livejournal account in order to reply to an entry, as I have "anonymous posting" enabled. Just make sure to sign your name at the bottom, or I'll have no idea which comments are yours.

Two new polls, actually. Unfortunately they've changed their setup for embedding the polls, and it no longer works properly with LJ. So instead, links to the (completely anonymous) polls:


Do Any Of Your Fetishes Ever Disturb You?


Would You Get Rid Of Your Fetishes To Be "Normal" If You Could?


And if you haven't taken any of the previous polls and would like to, click the "polls" tag in this entry to see the others.

To fellow readers of MC or TF erotic fiction: ever read a story that had some really fun elements that turned you on, yet ended up with such a depressing, downer ending that not only turned you right back off, but also left you in a bit of a funk?

I swear, these stories should have a little separator line in them, to let you know you can "stop reading after this point" if you don't want to know that the person's life was forever over... ;-P

In that Dan Savage article I mentioned previously, the quote that struck me most was when he said:

"Running across that hypno porn didn't instill in you a desire to sexually control others, STAT; it tapped into a desire for sexual control that was already there."

This is what I meant to focus on in that entry -- the fact that the films/shows/media we have early memories of seeing, that seemed to lead to particular fetishes, didn't magically create whatever desire itself, so much as tapped into something that was already there -- but got a little sidetracked talking about possible theories as to where those initial desires come from. For whatever reason, for many of us as youth, there were certain sequences we saw that touched upon some desire we weren't consciously aware of at the time, and were added to a pool of regular fantasies.

Lately I often think about my own experiences of this, trying to place the earliest instances I can remember. And have been wanting to post them to the journal here whenever I remember one, not just so I don't forget it again, lol, but also to sort of get that one more bit of "noise" out of my head...getting it down in my "records" here so it's not taking up brain-space (one of the primary reasons for the creation of this journal).

I've already posted a few of these "earliest memories." There's the early memoryan interest in bondage furniture I posted recently, and the early memory of an interest in transformation into objects from awhile back. Recently, I've been trying to place my earliest memory of an interest in the living doll thing.

So far, the earliest one I can remember, I seem to recall being around Junior High, which would put me around age 12. I'm thinking there might very well be a earlier instances (especially since the previous two links above go back to before age 10), but I'm not remembering them currently. I have vague recollections of some non-cartoon childrens show or film that involved a girl entering some strange land and becoming doll-like, with yarn hair, and wanting to be changed back so she could return home or something like that, but I can't remember it real well.

At any rate. The earliest instance I can somewhat clearly cite at the moment, is seeing a small bit of the movie Mannequin on TV, heh. I've never seen it (or its sequel) all the way through, and no longer remember what snippet of the movie I saw (I think the scene took place in a mall, that's about all I remember), but I do remember becoming aware at that moment that I had an interest that shouldn't be discussed, heh.

I was watching it in the basement with my brother...he was channel surfing, and I think I came out and joined him while he was watching this little bit of it. I forget if he just got bored of it and turned it, or if we waited until commercial and he found something else to watch, but I remember having seen one of the scenes where the character has turned from mannequin to human and back, and being curious enough about it to want to watch the rest. Wanting to figure out what was causing her to turn into a mannequin and back (having missed the beginning), etc.

The idea of a mannequin transformation fascinated me on multiple levels. There's the physical change...wondering what it might feel like to be made of living plastic, having joints, etc. And then there's the bondage-esque aspect of being unable to move in that form, and being poseable. Not that I could have put any of this into coherent words at that time.

So I remember at some point -- maybe I'd asked if he was going to turn it back, and he responded "why, were you watching that?" -- commenting to him that "that" (a girl turning into a mannequin) was kind of cool. He just gave me this look, like I was out of my mind. I back-peddle a little: "I mean, not the movie itself...just the idea, y'know, of someone turned into a mannequin. It's kind of--" He continues to look at me like I'm crazy. So I just kind of drop it, and don't mention it again. ;-P

And before anyone says anything like "maybe he was thinking the same thing and just trying to hide it," I don't think so...he brought it up one more time, a few years later (when I'd completely forgot about it!), using it as an example to half-jokingly claim I lacked good taste in movies or stories or somesuch ("you thought Mannequin was a good movie"), heh. Fortunately, I think he may have finally forgotten about it since (I hope!).


No pics or vids this entry though, sorry. Turns out there are pretty much no clips of the film that aren't fan-made music videos, heh...not that there was any sort of decent transformation in the film anyways (they would typically cut and suddenly show a mannequin, who didn't really resemble the actress all that much at all). There's one little scene I discovered in one of those music videos where the mannequin is on a conveyor belt to be mulched up in a machine (the guy saving her just in time), where you see him grab an arm that looks very mannequin-esque, but then moves and you realize it was the actresses the whole time...but that's about it. Oh well. ;-P

Kind of a delayed reaction, but for whatever reason I'd been sort of putting off for awhile now writing entries that I knew would involve actual thought to write. ;-P

Three or four weeks ago two different friends pointed me to that week's installment of "Savage Love" by Dan Savage, where he addresses a question about a hypno fetish. The three letters and answers that follow it are a little more silly, but the first one I found relevant enough to this blog to post about here, with my own additional thoughts:

I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the internet, I found a site with stories about "mind control," usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy.

Apart from the fact that this suggests I may have some serious sexual-control issues, I was wondering if you had any ideas for weaning yourself from a fantasy. This is not something I'm interested in "accepting." My attempts at incorporating alternate fantasies into my repertoire have failed.

--Stop Thinking About That


Sexual-control issues? Sure, STAT, you've got some of those. But serious sexual-control issues? Hardly.

A desire to sexually control others, or be sexually controlled by others, is at the root of almost all sexual fantasies and fetishes, from foot fetishes to goop fetishes to BDSM. So there's no need to feel like a freak, okay? And you're clearly not a bad person, as you recognized on your own that your particular sexual-control fantasy is immoral (sex without consent is rape) and impossible (hypnosis doesn't work that way). So cut yourself some slack.

Reading your letter, some folks will blame the internet for your predicament. There you were, minding your own business, beating off in front of your computer, when a hypno-fetish site seized your screen and took over your sex life. That's not how it works. Running across that hypno porn didn't instill in you a desire to sexually control others, STAT; it tapped into a desire for sexual control that was already there. A desire to sexually control others was already part of your erotic imagination; that hypno site just lit your fuse.

The only way to wean yourself from your hypno fetish now, STAT, is to accept your bedrock fantasy, which is sexual control, and explore other ways of indulging it. I suspect the "alternate fantasies" you attempted to incorporate into your sex life didn't include aspects of sexual control, which would explain why your efforts failed. You won't move your fantasies away from hypno until you find something that satisfies those bedrock desires for sexual control. So find yourself a guy who wants to be controlled, which isn't that hard to do, and explore dom/sub role-play or bondage or S&M with him, and your hypno fetish may fade away.

Finally, STAT, there are lots of guys out there who fantasize about being hypnotized and seduced—it's too bad you've ruled them out as sex partners.

I was glad to have pointed to this for several reasons, particularly that I can relate to an extent with the person's uncomfortableness with their fetish, and appreciated Savage's informed, thoughtful response of "it's not as uncommon as you think, don't worry too much about it." I also thought it was fascinating (from an intellectual standpoint) hearing an example of a gay man's erotic fantasy, since I hetero fantasies seem much more common to read about.

It also got me thinking about the possible connection to his particular "rape fantasy" and the societal pressure that exists out there towards homosexuals. For example, some time ago I was reading up a little on the existence of female rape fantasies, and potential theories as to the "why." One idea that seemed quite plausible to me, is that it's down to societal pressure women encounter growing up, the stereotype of their being essentially two "types" of woman: the whore and the virgin. You're either sweet and innocent, or a promiscuous slut (whereas guys are never looked down upon -- and in fact are able to brag with other guys -- about how much sex they've had...unless they're doing it after they're married). What a rape fantasy allows, is for the woman to experience sexual pleasure in their fantasy, while being able to avoid seeming sex-crazed by making the sex not under their control. Does that make sense?

And of course, few women who harbor rape fantasies actually want to be raped in reality. The fantasy may be of unconsensual sex, but because it's all taking place in the woman's head, she is ultimately still the one in control. To paraphrase an thought I once read elsewhere: if she chose to follow up the rape by transforming into a large creature and devouring the rapist, that'd be completely within her capability, because it's *her fantasy.*

So I wonder if this person's particular variation on a rape fantasy similarly has to do with societal pressure (in this case, the constant barrage of indications growing up that being gay is "wrong"). A fantasy wherein a "straight" man is made to have gay sex via mind-control would allow someone to have sex with another man, without having to deal with any of the societal guilt of doing it of your own volition...because it was out of your control.

I don't know for sure if that might be the case with this particular individual (or even whether he'd be consciously aware that was the case), but I couldn't help but see some possible parallels there.

It also gets me thinking about some of my other fetishes, and how a connection could be made between them and discomfort with myself. My interest in transformation likely has a lot to do with body issues. And then there's my interest in being bound or otherwise firmly controlled during sexual acts, which might be partially related to whore/virgin dichotomy theory thing, but I can also see a strong connection just to my basic thoughts on sexuality in general growing up. In particular: that I grew up very Conservative Christian.

And it's not like Conservative-brand Christianity was strongly forced upon me or anything. I somehow ended up with more Conservative ideals than even my parents, at one point in junior high deciding that Halloween was an evil holiday and that I was not going to support it (and at one point even contemplated giving out little mini-Bible things instead of candy, though fortunately I never went through with that). I kid you not.

This conservativeness extended into thoughts on sex. My parents never told us (my siblings and I) that sex was bad or wrong, only that it was better to wait until marriage. Yet somehow I'd gotten it in my head that anything sexual was shameful or sinful before marriage...including *masturbation.* I don't think my parents ever discussed masturbation with us, so I have no idea how I came to this conclusion. But I definitely had this notion in my head that masturbation was, at the very least, dirty and shameful.

So maybe that's why I came to develop a fetish for being controlled? If I'm all bound up or mind-controlled and can't do anything about the sensations I'm receiving, then I never really had an active role in the pleasure...it wasn't of my doing. The only odd thing about control fantasies and fetishes, is this is the case (and if that was the case for the individual who wrote into Dan Savage), it's so odd how these things stick around even after a person has come to terms with their sexuality. For whatever reason, my control and bondage fantasies still hang around, and are the main thing that get me turned on. (Or have I just not come to *enough* acceptance yet...?)

I also wonder about *why* would the brain even carry such a function? What purpose does the development of fetishes serve? Not to mention, why do only some people develop fetishes who may've had a particular experience, and another with the same might not? (And also curious what sort of circumstances might lead to the development of fetishes for those whole like to be the control-er rather than control-ee.) The brain is a fascinating and confusing machine.

So have any of you ever noticed potential connections between fetishes or sexual interests with things encountered growing up? (I'd add "or am I just over-thinking things?", but I already know I have a tendency to do that. ;-P)

One of the many reasons for my establishing this journal is an interest in putting into words and working out for myself (and perhaps discussing with others) some of the interesting contradictions in my sexuality. One such seeming contradiction is that although I consider myself kinky, I also appear to be relatively asexual.

There are two common types of asexuality when it comes to human sexuality. One is people who don't experience sexual attraction to others. The other is people who can perhaps be romantically attracted to others, but find sexual behavior to be unappealing. And then there are people who are a mix of both.

The way I describe my own "form" of asexuality is that I don't seem to experience any sort of sexual attraction to either gender. I also don't get turned on by sexual acts of the variety where any sort of penetration is involved, and in fact find some of them to be outright unappealing (oral -- giving or receiving -- just seems kind of "icky" to me). However, I'm not unsexual...yet it seems like the only things that are really able to turn me on are my silly kinks (bondage, control, objectification, and transformation). Perhaps it'd be more accurate to describe myself then as "kinksexual"? ;-)

It's frustrating to me sometimes, though, that I don't seem to get turned on like "normal people" do...like, is something wrong with me? And how many others like me exist? I've met at least one other, so I know there are more people like this...but how many are there? And will I ever find one who is compatible with me and everything I am?

Because even though I'm not sexually attracted to others -- don't get turned on by bodies -- I guess I can perhaps still be romantically attracted to a person, if the connection is there / if our interests match. Fortunately I don't feel *too* intense a drive to find a companion, perferring to just kind of let it happen if it happens...but I still think about it occasionally. How nice it'd be to have a companion to share not only non-kinky interests with, but who I could have fun with in kinky play. A person of any gender, since I'm so generally indifferent when it comes to attraction (I tend to list "bi" as sexuality when it comes up).

I dunno. I guess all I can hope for, since I've had such a hard time finding others, is that by putting myself out there via places like this journal, my CollarMe profile, my Yahoo profile, etc., that maybe one of them (within my age range) will find me?

I have this love/hate relationship with the kinky part of my brain. I can't deny that there are moments when I do actually enjoy it all...but for the most part, I'd rather be without it. I don't enjoy that it's there in the first place. Would make life so less complicated if I didn't have this little part of me to worry about keeping hidden.

Yeah, it's a part of me that's fun to induldge in on occasion...but more often than not, lately in particular, it's felt more like this thing nagging at me, that I'd rather would just go away completely.

And occasionally when I take a step back from this journal, and think about all the things I've written about...I feel just, like, disgusted with myself.

Go away go away go away.

Just to warn you, the following entry might deal with a little more heavy subject matter than I usually post here.

The next morning after I posted that RP log, I was thinking a little bit about how some of the interests I talk about here tend to scare me somewhat. They scare me for a few reasons, one being that they seem so abnormal to me, and another being that, in a different context, a number of these are things I'd never want to actually happen to me.

For example, in that RP log (hopefully you've already read it, because I don't want to ruin the surprise ;-)) there's a point where the character has the arms removed from her android body. In the context of a temporary situation that can later be undone, being armless kind of fascinates me. Like, what would that *feel* like? Not being able to feel something that was there only moments ago. The torso feeling lighter, suddenly freed of that weight. The mindfuck of no longer having those useful limbs at ones disposal...and the further mindfuck of perhaps seeing those limbs set down off to the side. Those ideas tickle my brain for reasons I don't entirely understand. If there were a way to experience that on just a completely temporary basis, I would be extremely fascinated to try.

On the other hand, in the context of something permanent and irreversable would be beyond devastating. My arms - and in particular, my hands - mean the world to me. For one thing, art is my life. Being unable to draw is unimaginably depressing to me. Add in being unable to play guitar, or even use a mouse or keyboard...losing my arms would mean losing my will to live.

This is only one such example - there are so many things I can think of that on a temporary level appeal to me in a kinky sort of way...but that if made permanent (or in some cases, if even brought into the realm of reality) would be the worst thing ever.

I was particularly contemplative and disturbed last night, after watching Million Dollar Baby for the first time.

( Movie SPOILERS Follow - Just Giving You A Warning )

(This is really, like, two entry subjects put together, and so ended up twice as long as I'd intended. Hope I don't bore anyone to death. ;-P)

I quit television a few years ago. A bad habit, y'know. ;-) I'd come to realize that there were very few shows that I'd really miss if I gave up television ("The Daily Show" being one of them...*sigh*), but that anytime I would sit in front of a TV - even if there was nothing remotely good on - I'd still spend a few hours watching absolute junk. Even aware that it's junk, but still sitting there. It's amazing the hold TV can have, y'know? They've mastered the art of keeping your brain constantly stimulated enough so that you never leave. ;-) So when I moved off to college, I didn't even bother setting up the TV.

But this entry isn't meant to be a rant about TV. The tangent above is just to say that I don't watch it very often anymore. I pretty much only watch it when at friends' or families' houses. So if I mention a show or something I saw on TV as if it were new, and you've already been aware of it for quite some time, you know where I'm coming from. ;-)

So I was at a friends' place several weeks ago, and happened to catch part of a recent episode of The Surreal Life season 4. Another one of those "this is dumb, but I want to see what happens next" shows, where a group of friends watching it together can have discussions on these washed-up celebrities as they watch.

I wasn't extremely interested in the show...but suddenly I caught a glimpse of something that definately grabbed my attention. They showed a little clip from a past episode (or a preview of a future episode? I don't remember clearly) where one of the stars volunteered to have sushi served on her body, to the rest of the cast.
( Read On... )

Alright, so an update. My interest in this stuff kind of rises and falls over periods of time. When I started this up, I think my interest was high enough to be dangerously close to the point of obsession, lol. Then it kind of dropped off, and I decided to take a break, to reevaluate my feelings on various things. I might write about that more in detail later.

I still want to write in this, even when my interest in the subject is in a down period. I think the trouble I've been having in getting this journal going is that there are so many things I want to say...so much ground I want to cover...I'm not sure where to start. I had this whole notion of an organized approach to things, writing these in-depth entries covering various topics, and relating them to one another. But I kept blanking out, wanting to wait to write until I was in a mindset where I could really focus.

So now I'm thinking of just writing whatever is on my mind lately. Originally I wanted to create a "base," talking about who I am and what it is exactly that interests me, before jumping into random thoughts...but I just need to start writing. Perhaps once I get in the swing of things, I can start to address the "deeper" thoughts I have on things, lol. So that's what I'm going to do.

And hopefully there'll be some people who find this as interesting as I do. :-)

So not long after setting this journal up and posting the first entry, I hit a little bit of a wall. There are some things about this stuff that's been bothering me lately, a little more than usual, that I'm not yet sure how to put into words. When the time seems right, I'll return to this journal and try to tackle the subject again.

The purpose of this journal is to allow me a place to talk about the things I'm afraid to talk about.

In the past I've found putting my thoughts into words to be extremely helpful in understanding myself better. However, I don't feel comfortable exploring this side of myself in my "regular" LJ, so this is my little safehaven where I can really open up and be honest about things. And hopefully meet some like-minded individuals with similar interests.

The aspects of myself I'm exploring here are my (strange/dark?) erotic interests and how it relates to my asexuality, as well as some of my non-erotic fascinations which can sometimes be related. Most of these are currently listed in my interests.

I tend to analyze myself a lot. When there's something about me that I don't understand, it bothers me a little. Like, if this is truly a part of me, why is it I don't understand it?

In this case, the questions I'm often asking are:

- What exactly is it I'm interested in? What turns me on? What turns me off?

- Why does this interest me? Why does it tickle my brain or turn me on the way it does?

- Why does it bother me that this interests me? How can I simultaneously enjoy something and be greatly disturbed by it? Why does it disturb me? Should it disturb me?

- When did I first notice it spark my interest? Can I make a connection with anything that was going on at the time?

- Where did this come from? Was there some event in my life that acted as the seed from which the interest developed? If so, is there a way to "fix" this? Would I want to? Why?

Some people say I maybe analyze things too much. I can't help it...it's just something I've always done. I like to be able to understand things.

So, here we go.